11.25.2024

10:52 PM

for the longest time i thought i was only starting to come to this place to vent but i guess that's mainly my brain talking. i don't know i tend to overestimate (over... guess?? there's a better word for this) how much i express negativity which leads to me not talking much about it at all. some days ago i was tempted to come on here to rant about stuff weighing on my mind but i decided against it. i dont wanna talk about it now though cuz i don't think they're worth talking about right now (also they're not weighing on me as much as they were earlier so i don't see a need to?) which is weird. it's that little goblin voice in my brain that likes to be silly

i'm mainly saying that cuz i was scrolling through previous entries. the last one is obvious but i kind of really needed that. as of now i'm doing okay :thumbsup: it's just finals kicking my ass right now. i even made a whole document outlining what things i should get done on what day and i'm sort of keeping up with it??? a little???? i'm a little behind on my tasks but honestly i think i just overestimate (again!) how much i can get done in a day. i will say tho i feel i'm doing a much better job compared to last year. or all previous years in high school. i don't feel like i'm procrastinating as much, which is good. but sometimes it truly does feel like a bit much. i have all these projects that i'm thankfully very passionate about but i think because i really want to bring out the best vision i see for all of them in my head, i'm freaking out a little about the amount of time i have left to complete all of them (2 weeks). just few days ago i shed a few tears over this too LMAOOOOO it was the overwhelming shit. sort of began to feel that today too but i think we're good. i think it helps that the day after tomorrow i go back home for thanksgiving break and the whole next week i won't have classes due to critique week for grad students. so i have all the time to chug everything out. this too shall pass.

that being said i think i'm taking it easy tonightttt i had a full studio day today for my film class and i was grinding the whole time. also i feel my last bit of energy leaving me when i was finalizing my presentation for art history tomorrow. it's on the manga "F" by arata imai, i honestly highly recommend him a lot if you're interested. very underground, kind of an up-and-coming mangaka? his only two major works are F and Flash Point, he leans veryyyyyy heavily into sociopolitical commentary especially in Japan to the point where it could be considered taboo (which might honestly explain why he's so alternative). F is him fusing the 3.11/Fukushima Disasters that shook Tohoku/Japan WITH the ISIS reign throughout the 2010s and Flash Point is literally about photobombing the shinzo abe assassination + internet culture (ish). it's really neat stuff

yeah. i could be better but i could be worse. that's better than bad? it's hard keeping motivation sometimes but i don't want the last few weeks to kill me so ummm wish me luck

11.06.2024

7:32 AM

i live in the U.S. woke up and everything feels so bleak.

i'm terrified. everyone else i love is terrified. i'm lucky to exist in a space where i'm surrounded by people who for the most part are very much against him but oh my god. all i can ask myself is: what now? i don't want this to be real, i don't know how i'm going to get anything done today. the whole span of yesterday was my stress eating me alive even during classes. the optimist inside me was trying so hard to stay alive yesterday. right now, she's struggling a lot.

i caught myself getting stuck in a loop of doomscrolling and managed to turn off my phone, but the heaviness is still there. texted some friends, shed a couple of tears for a few minutes. but i am aware that succumbing to despair is like the worst thing i can do right now. i will still continue on with my business and do what i need to do. i do not want to lay down now. but god is it so hard, especially right now. keeping hope is so hard, but i know we have to. i don't know. i thought i had more to say but i'm losing the words. i hate feeling pessimistic. i hate feeling helpless. i hate feeling despair and hatred so strong it makes me feel sick.

i'm going to continue on with my day. or at least try to. wallowing isn't going to make me feel better, i know that much. i'm going to do what i need to do to keep my spirits up not just for today but for what's to come after. fighting like hell for the future is going to take up energy. i will continue to live as myself and keep those dear to me close to my heart. you have to live.

09.16.2024

5:55 PM

i think i've started out on a good footing on college sophomore year so far. this is going to be my second full week of classes and so i now have a good idea on how my schedule works, i've also been trying super hard not to do things last minute and be more gung-ho about time management and i think i'm doing okay with that too? i haven't had any late assignemnts yet, and i only had to stay up really late twice so far!!! well maybe that's still a little meeehhh but i really am trying and i feel proud of myself forthat. now i just need to work on balancing work and play cuz now it feels like im leaning a little too much into schoolwork, not really knowing when to stop and let myself do things for fun. i feel because i used to always do things last minute i've been accustomed to doing everything in one sitting so i have to keep reminding myself that i'm always free to come back to work on thigns later. so that's my goal for the next coupleof weeks. fortunately i turned to write in this because i really really. really need a break from readings ohhhh my goddddd theres so much reading for hw this year and the words haev not been registering lately.

i met my new roommate, she's awesome! an upperclassman who's pursuing art education, i can really tell that she's very passionate about what she does and honestly it's very amazing and wholesome to see that she really is a teacher at heart. she gets so excited whenever talking about her homework and the school she'll be visiting this semester as well as all the readings she has to do about the history of teaching. so i'm wishing all the best for her. i've been talking to a variety of people i'd say, saying hello to anyone i recognize and conversing with more people outside of my grade. idk, it feels really nice. really really nice that these people remember me and smile whenever we cross paths. i still talk with my old roommate who lives off campus now, i got to see kikuo perform live with my friend kris!!! i remember walking out of there feeling ssooooooooo sosoosososo . i cant even describe it but holy shit. it truly was such an experience i'm so happy to have gone to, i even befriended someone there who i might never see again but am grateful to have been able to vibe with for the night. though i also now have the concern of my ears. ouch. the speakers. i think i need to invest in earplugs for the future.

07.30.2024

12:52 AM

did not realize how much scrolling between the same like three social medias has kind of been dentrimental to me. like i'm starting to realize why my rot has felt like it's been so extended. not having the energy to do shit that i usually do (drawing) because i've been doing the same thing lately so guess what i do?

another one of the same fucking mindnumbing thing aka rotate between apps and constantly scroll

like damn no wonder i feel bad i've just been doing the same fucking thing over and over again that it feels too monotonous going between twitter and then discord and then instagram and then back to twitter again and then maybe tumblr and then back to twitter again andWhoa guys rigel just discovered that Web3.0 Bad and why the web revival movement's a whole thing!!!!!! what a revolutionary!!!!

ok jokes aside i'm just writing in this to talk about that i honestly . did the same exact thing the whole time today. i scrolled, and scrolled, and scrolled, though this time i had decided to do so throughout the melon surfring. i wanted to explore sites ive never seen before, places with specific niches, information i could have otherwise not known of before just typing in the duckduckgo hotbar. i was surfing the internet for the first time in a while. and i had so much fun! i not only found inspo for my own site but i bookmarked several places that i would want to check out more at a later time, randomly clicked links, let anticipation and curiosity control the whole session. and just now i had stumbled upon one of the most impactful stories that will be carried and resonated within me for who knows how many years. and to find out i was 7 years late. god. ohhhh man. i dont want to say much because how i managed to find it was from someone's shrine page on their site and they had said that it's best to experience the story completely blind. now having fully experienced it hard hard agree. please whoever is reading this and you haven't seen this yet please. read it. you will not regret it. its themes will make you think so much. so so so much.

that was the main reason as to why i wanted to make a new entry here honestly. like wow. the internet's so much fun now when you completely disregard algorithms, constant ads shoved in your face, or being led by corporations. i cannot promise myself that everything new will come soon. in fact, im a little scared to make too many promises to begin with, as i've seen myself abandon them far too many times when it comes to creating things. but i will say that it had given me a newfound spark to try and get this site back running more than ever before. i can't say i'll be fully committed, especially with the end of summer approaching, but there is much for me to think about. i love you independent web

07.26.2024

8:30 PM

jeeeeeeeeesus its been that much time huh . erm. hi

okay real talk i have been neglecting this place......... so the most i can do is just give a few updates of what's happened since last entry.

i ended freshman year of college back in may and for a good majority of that month i have been well.... very static. idk i just didnt do much besides all those constant dreams that i was still taking finals ohhhh lord im so glad those have long since passed im not used to ending in may. june was when things started to kick up a bit, i hung out with irls every now and then but the real kicker of that month was working on my otomachi una cosplay for anime midwest, which was in july. additionally, combined with the con was another unforgettable moment: I MET UP WITH FIVE OF MY ONLINE FRIENDS!!!!!! HERE IN CHICAGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we've been planning this shit for over a year and honestly it was soooooo uncanny that it has already passed for the longest time i had always daydreamed about seeing my friends from behind the screen in person and it had always felt like a faraway dream, and for it to actualy happen...? 2020 lot wouldve called me a liar. nearly 4 years of knowing each other has brought us closer than ever before. ohhh i might get emotional again just thinking about it. but those 8 days of goofing off at the con and then showing them around the city are definitely going to be the biggest highlight of my year. maybe of my whole life!!!!!!!

ever since coming back it's been back to a similar monotonous routine honestly, since i'm not employed or in school atm.... there's been artfight, which i've been at pretty consistently this year. i took the first two weeks off due to the trip with my buddies but even in the span of half the month i've managed to break my record.... 13 attacks!!! i have more planned but it feels like i've hit a block. or probably a bit of burnout. to be honest i've been drawing for a lot of projects lately - not just the constant artfight pieces i've pumped out in the past but on top of that i've been accepted into a vocaloid fashion zine for a second time!! + i'm working on an icon commission for a friend. the latter, i'm about halfway through, i'm putting down flat colors first before coming back to him for one last check in so i can finish. and for the zine illustration i'm actually pretty pumped to work on it, a lot more compared to last year. which is great news! havent been uploading to artfight for the past two days and honestly i still don't feel as eager to jump back in it again right now so i might continue taking a small break from it and when i do go back to it, prioritize attacking my friends. theres only a week left and i dont wanna overwhelm myself with too many goals, even though there are several ocs that i would've loved to attack otherwise...

anyways ummm what elseeeeeee.......... sophomore year's creeping up, i'm registered to move in earlier than most people because i got accepted into the move-in crew. basically keeping track of students during normal move in dates (august 24th and 25th) and helpnig them load things into carts and whatnot. i get paid too!!! $16 an hour!!! i think ill be working 20 hours total (10 over each day) so that should be about $320. im a little excited for that but that might be me excited for the incoming semester generally, and i do have some reservations regarding being out for 10 hours. but as long as i get bank... i shuodl be fine. what im NOT excited about is being assigned my new roommate, i'm just very nervous about who they'll be considering my last roommate was a really good one. i'm hoping to visit her place and her roomies (who i already personally know) whenever i have the time to this coming year but otherwise.... crying emoji. whatever we'll cross that bridge when we get there. i just know i'm gonna be contacting the name that gets sent to me on august 1st immediately (and hopefully the decision for this other vocaloid zine i reaallly wanna be a part of saves me with good news.... please please please)

anyways why am i writing in this again? well i just wanted to do something with my site, even if it's just writing. i haven't forgotten about this place but additionally i haven't had the juice to maintain this yknow.... which i'm trying to change. or more so, i want to change that. idk i realllyy miss being able to be proud of this, i don't want this place to be in limbo forever! and i was honestly doing something just like that... since 123guestbooks dead i went ahead and made a new one! whoever's reading this can go check it out here because for some GODDAMN REASON the html code in my index is not LETTING ME CHANGE THE FUCKING LINK IT KEEPS REDIRECTING YOU TO THE DEAD ONE IF YOU CLICK ON IT FROM THE NAVBAR. WHAT THE FUCK. whatever i'm trying to fix that right now... i'll update my changelog once i'm successful o(-(

04.04.2024

12:44 PM

hi long time no see i feel like a rabi d dog rightnnow!!!!! its enrollment period and my registration time isn't until 1:30 and ouhhghfughfodigjskofmqwefmwqel;md;lqwkemf;qefnpiwqnfiwqjenf iqwenfqpowekfmepowkmfpqowekf qowiejnflqwjienf HAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! IM WAITLISTED FOR TWO CLASSES ALREAYD PLEASE LET ME IN PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEA SEPL EASEPL EASEPLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PEA SEPLEASE I CANT WAIT 45 MROEMINTUSE PELAS

aoghouagouhaosdgweqwef godgodgd gdog dog dog dgodgodgodgodgodgmskmgs;lfmvlkmsfdc;lkmsd;clkmads;lckmasd;clkmwkomecpqwefijnqweijnwqefijnwqfijnqweifjqwpefnwqjnweqpfnqwe;jnf lqwke fnkqwenflkqwjefklwqenf wqelkfmweqfokmwqepof ohy god i probrblay shouldnt do tha tto my keyboard . sorry im normal now ! for real though i am desperately trying to distract myself it's a litlte funny that i'm so muhc more nervous about getting the courses i want than the critique i had earlier today. which honestly felt fine. it was verryy lax becuase there were only five people and my classmates in this class are super nice and chill it was really nice. we finished early but then it turned into a yap session with our professor about the upcoming solar eclipse on monday which is also something i'm anticipating. which ALSO reminds me that my roommate is giong to be visiting her dad over the weekend starting today so it'll just be me. not that i dont like her i guess mainly knowing that you're all alone and shit without worrying about certain things i.e. bothering her is great. next color class on tuesday we're taking a field trip as well and i don't have to walk all the way to my studio building ! and we get to come later at around 10-11 am! many things to look forward to now that i think about it

ummm speaking of which its honestly insane how the semester is already almost over liek what the fuck do you mean we have five weeks left. i already have like two of my final projects assigned to me right now and my current art history teacher said that ou r second to last quiz is next week + told us to start focusing on our final project as well so i'mmmm like wwhat the fuck. what! this is honestly insane like i'm not used to ending in may, much less EARLY may at that. latest move out date that i currently know of is may 12th and thats like a little over a month away. holy shit. i'm honestly a little scared

anyways looking at my previous entry uhhhhmmm . damn that sucks. TO BE FAIR i dont think a lot has changed...? there were certainly recent projects that i've worked on where i straight up could not fuckign get to work on. for example: my research studio project from last week! i ended up not going to class on our final studio day to work on that and even emailed my prof about it saying i needed to recharge (he was super nice about it) but i did not get work done at ALL until literally the night right before the critique. i crammed an entire ass illustration within five hours from 9-10 pm to around 3-4 am. which honestly is a crazy ass move even for me. literally all i had to do was get into the shower IT WAS A FUCKING SHOWER THOUGHT THAT SAVED ME when i had been dreading this project for A FULL ASS WEEK, IF NOT MORE. literally all i had to do was change the composition, i completely redid all progress i had done prior to that enlightening night but hey. it worked out . i really do not want to do a repeat of that though, i do not like stressing over things for a long period of time. i think another example was my project due today, i only started working on it like two nights ago, but did the bulk of it last night. the circumstances were much less dire however, considering i finished/slept much earlier than i expected to (11 pm, and then slept at around 12-1). it might be due to the fact that it was video editing on premiere pro, a program that i already wasn't too familiar with helped because i was just letting myself get silly with it. i do want to explore this medium more, hence one of the classes i hope to get into for sophomore year is on film and video editing. that is . if i get in

i sooodesperately need to distract my self damn i was doing good until i mentioned that. oops! and now im going to talk about it . bad decision prboaly but i have notthing else to do and honestly writing here does help time pass by a lot faster i realized its allmost 1. i feellll like i can take my chances with art history. my art history classes are the ones i was mostly worried about because first of all . i picked two of them at the start (history of manga + alt manga) and was like "ok whichever one i get into first/is still available will be the one i take" but then they immediately filled up the first day . so i was like "oh that s fine illl find a back up back up just in case!" and i found a class on alt animation from the 60s-present; equally as interesting! BUT NOW THAT S FILL ED UP TOO SO IM LIKE . NRNAAGUHGHHHHHHHH though if i weree to think about this more logically, art history classes are honestly much easier to get into than studio classes. THAT is an entirely different beast on its own and hopefully ....,,,, i think im good on those...? some people suddenly drop the class after some time and this semester isnt even happening until fall so . maybe i do have a chance. we'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee................ hhaha

i thiknfo r today im going to take it easy (especially after i enroll once that happenes i will finally know peace) but right now . hhugh. i need to watch youtube or soemehting this is getting a little much

02.25.2024

11:59 AM

whehhghghghfg i don't know how to feel about second semester. i'm enjoying my classes don't get me wrong!! but i fear the lethargy that i used to constantly feel in high school is beginning to creep up on me again. last week i thought was going to be harder to get through but i fear that this one . mmight be as well due to two project deadlines coming up. i also have two quizzes for both my academic classes happening later this week though i'm not too worried about them. however i can't tell if it's because i feel i got them in the bag or because the panic hasn't hit me yet.

i don't know i've noticed within the past few days that i feel like i have no energy to do anything at all. not even things for leisure and it's scaring me a little. like i've been taking several naps and all which is something my roommate and i have agreed to try and do in order to keep up with morning classes but wuehhehghh they've been slowly getting longer and longer each passing day to the point where they no longer give me energy they just make me feel more tired. i fear i might be slipping a little in my plan to be more on top of things this sem. basically i've been tellig myself to do stuff since thursday and now suddenly it's sunday like what the fuck???? THIS WEEKEND FELT SO SHORT and yet so damn tiring it feels like i barely did anything! even if i do get myself to work on stuff i get like 1% progress done before suddenly a wave of sleepiness hits me and i end up napping really late. it feels like i haven't gotten enough sleep last week honestly, even though i've tried to get at least 6 hours per night. i've noticed it's been really hard waking up for class nearly every day, in fact on the last class i had for the week on thursday i went fuck it and slept in a little before coming late. (note: i only did this because i knew my teachers for my core studio are very chill and would've advocated for me gettng more sleep if i needed it regardless... they're very lax on attendance and if they saw you at least once during the day even if you disappear shortly afterwards you're still technically counted as present). but alas i hope this doesn't keep up oh dear. it's been making me feel very bad

my eating habits haven't been the healthiest either, i've been eating a lot of junk. several trips to the vending machine were taken, at least more than once per day and maaaan i need to cut that. overall i haven't been feeling the best. it could definitely be worse though.

01.28.2024

4:22 PM

couple things have happened but i haven't really talked about it here since my brain's been empty but i'm currently eating lunch and wanna write here before i get to work on some stuff

first of all, my second semester started! i came back to my dorm last tuesday night. initially we were going to leave around early evening and so i spent most of the afternoon packing all my stuff (which was mostly clothes, i didn't even bother to sort through my laundry the entirety of break so that was why it took so much time to figure out) but my parents ended up driving me over at around 11 pm :skull: it was because my brother was watching a school hockey game and it ended really late anddddd well . i dunno i was a little peeved but i knew i shouldn't get too mad because to be fair he did ask me if it was okay if i left later and i said "ya of course that's fine." i think i ended up misunderstanding the question though thinking i would arrive at my dorm at 11 and not leave. maybe i agreed too readily.

ok sort of steering completely off topic but lately i feel like my relationship with my brother lately is sort of... estranged?? it seems a bit harsh to put it that way and it's not like we hate each other and stuff but the connection with him feels super flimsy. i guess it's because i can't really relate to him anymore. honestly saying it out loud is a little silly, you can still definitely form connections with people drastically different from you - in fact i want to be able to form more relationships with people different from me. but i don't know, in this case it's like. my brother has delved into completely different interests - he's a huge sports person now, he does track and volleyball, he always wants to attend every single sports game at high school, including those that he's uninvolved in/none of his friends are part of. hell he even quit playing tuba, which he has done since elementary school, in place doing a sports management class. he also surrounds himself with completely different crowds of people that i tended to avoid back in high school. i guess it feels like i don't really know him anymore, now that we're so different. we don't talk much, even during my stay during break, and when we do it's very succinct conversation like "hey when's mama coming home" or "what time is it." sometimes it feels like the only times i talk to him is to snap at him stupid things he does.

tbh the more i think about it it might be because i still have some sort of unchecked resentment and jealousy against him somewhere. it was more prominent in middle school when it felt like he was thriving whereas my experience it always felt like i would barely pull through - and it didn't help whenever my grades would slip due to tardiness and my parents would always bring up the fact that he's always able to finish his assignments right away, so why aren't i able to do that? i remember thinking that middle school would "teach" him that things won't be easy only to find that he wasn't feeling that way at all, i even began secretly wishing he would start to fail just so that he'd "know what it feels like." i've grown out of that feeling, and i feel guilty for even wishing failure upon him when the reality is that he's done nothign the wrong. and the same can be applied to the present, he's just a kid living his life the way he wants to and enjoying high school and i'm happy that he is. i guess nowadays i just become so distant to him because it feels like i can't understand the things he gets excited for and stuff. additionally he has a habit of always comparing ourselves, where he takes constant pride in being an extrovert and having a bunch of friends while i have very few and it's like. okay. i mean i know he's just being silly and stuff and i just play along with it but i think that shit kinda stirs whatever demons are still lurking about regarding how i felt when i was still in middle/high school. i don't want to become a crappy sister becuase of this but ehgghhgh. it's been a little hard but i feel i should put more effort to be kinder to him.

damn okay i wrote way more than i was expecting for that tangent. continuing off of the dorm subplot - i came home and reunited with my roommate, she missed me!!! and i missed her!!!! she did huuuuuuge yapping session while i listened of whatever the hell topic she's thinking about like life updates, what happened while i was gone, etc. since it's been a while since we did those - also she's been lonely as she returned from texas the beginning of the month. we also discussed a game plan for what we're gonna do different this sem since last sem got erm.... a little messy around mid november oopsies! it was mostly in terms of establishing a new system for completing chores more effectively, lights out, writing our new schedules out just so that we know what the other is up to etc etc. really it was just ways to improve our communication. we also established "quiet time" which was like the period of time where we have silent and doing our own thing so that the other can nap peacefully - specifically because we both have morning classes despite being night owls FML. apparently my new schedule is mostly morning classes actually with only one night class.... i'm hoping i'll survive. in fact tomorrow is my first ever class that starts at 8:30 so uhhh. praying i can fall asleep early. at the very least it's a class i'm really excited for, and i would've never imagined being excited for a math class. however it's a math class that focuses specifically on how the discipline is applied to in music/music theory, and i love me some good music analysis. i've read on some evaluation reviews on the class by students who took it before and it's a lot of really great stuff. it's most likely just syllabus stuff and not actual lessons but i'll give an update on how it goes soon!

on the topic of my roommate - it was my birthday two days ago! and she went ahead and baked me a cake T_T it's so funny tho because i told her that i was going to be out a bit for the night due to a family dinner and she was like "ohmy god wait yeah that's today" and then after i came back she surprised me with one wehhhghrg..,..fg.f,g... one of my friends who's from cali who i have class with on thursdays also told me she got me a gift from cali which was another pleasant surprise, i didn't expect her to remember! she hasn't given it to me yet since she asked me for other stuff i like, since she likes to make package gifts with a bunch of small things rather than just one big gift. so we'll see! i'm hoping to meet her tomorrow actually - we don't have class together but we do have it in the same building, apparently my class ends at 11:15 while hers starts an hour later, and she suggested we eat lunch together in the dining hall over there during the time gap between our two classes.

whewww i honestly was not expecting myself to write so much this entry but dman it feels nice. now to write replies and brainstorm sketches for my first project...

01.07.2024

5:15 AM

i should afford to be more honest. maybe a better word to use would be transparent. i feel too many times have i held myself back because i think too much about what other people would think or do. i feel that sometimes i forget i am not those people. i am someone else that's completely separate, regardless of how similar we may be. i forget that it's not a problem if i think contrarily to them or if something about me jumps out jarringly - it doesn't need to be a problem.

a couple days ago i've been wondering if some of the opinions and thoughts that i have are really my own. i'm not going to say that i don't have any independent thought at all - i do believe there are a multitude of thoughts that i have that i have come to refine over time on my own through personal experience and reflections. however i can't help but feel like a lot of my thinking and ideas are too easily influenced by what others tell or show me. i know it's been prevalent before when i was younger. someone says they like x, i decide i might like x too - if they dislike y, i decide might dislike y too. i got nervous when someone asked me for an opinion on a first, especially if i didn't know them well. and i find i still feel the same in present most of the time. i say one thing but leave juuust a little bit of wiggle room just in case they might disagree. even this shit happened when my friends asked me about the boy and the heron and my thoughts about it before watching the movie - i just kept things vague. i think i'm scared that i have to justify why i think a certain way. i don't like the way i immediately anticipate the worst towards even the most innocent of questions about my thoughts or decisions. i don't like the way i think about the "safe" or "correct" dialogue option for even the most casual, low-stake of conversations. i'm just enforcing made up rules on myself. i was in call earlier with my best friend and was surprised she didn't judge me after telling her about an online relationship i had back in 2021 i hadn't told her about until now. why was i surprised?

maybe that's another thing. all these made up rules about what i do, when i should do it, how i should do it, whatever. it's dumb because literally no one else has told me this. it's all just me. yeah why i can't i suddenly blurt out a random message out of nowhere in a server that's been radio silent, why can't i reply to certain things even if i want to when my activity's already so sporadic, why can't i talk about a personal experience because it would make me appear "arrogant." why can't i just do things beacuse i want to. why does there need to be a "right time" "right place" for everything. harmless things. no one is stopping me, so why is it so hard? who cares about what everyone else thinks, this is literally ME. they're not even doing anything to me i'm just chilling. why does it matter if they don't like it. what's some stranger's opinion going to do to you, as just some guy existing.

i guess i just got used to not really saying much stuff unless asked. wchih is so dumb. it's really dumb, i don't know why i still do that. hell i feel like everyhing i do is towards some sort of audience that's going to judge me. it doesn't matter. i'm just being me!! why does it matter. i really do want to start being more upfront. hell i wanted to start web building as a way to help me get better at that, to let me be more unapologetic and open about the things i like and my thougths adn what i feel. even before doing this entry i had so many thoughts about this manner swirling about in my head as i laid in bed, wondering if this was even worth writing about. if i will sound whiny for doing so until i realized - so what if it's not worth it! if it benefits me, then that should be more than an enough reason to do it. this is literally my own journal for god's sake. who said i couldn't talk about this? certainly not me.

i don't know. i'm just saying shit now. bottom line is i care too much about what other people think, that's not a surprise. i've already known that fact for a long while. but i guess especially tonight i've just thought about it nonstop and was trying to realize the extent of it and man. it's honestly highkey embarrassing. but it's something i need to work on, even if it's daunting. the very least i could do is to not let any inhibitions stop me here. this is rigel's corner. whatever happens here is up to her, and her only.

01.04.2024

10:55 PM

i went and hung out with some friends from high school today! we visited mitsuwa marketplace and then watched the boy and the heron afterwards - it was my second time watching since i already did so with some buddies in college, but i was down to watch it again + i wanted to see my friends' live reactions to it as well. the morning started off a little bit mmmeh. i completely lied when i said that i fixed my sleep schedule because first of all after writing last entry i ended up sleeping at 8 am and woke up at 3pm, and today i slept at 2am and woke up at 4am and could not bring myself to go back to sleep. another thing is that i thoguht i lost my credit card and was scouring around the house for it only to just give up and use whatever cash i had left in my wallet to pay for things before leaving since my friend was already waiting in my driveway for several minutes.... a bit of a panic which only got resolved after i got home (it was underneath a notebook on my desk. i really need to start keeping track of my things).

overall the trip was fun - it was really nice to catch up with these guys and be able to chat with them again. i had good udon, bought some snacks, also got a clutch pencil because i wanted to try those out. granted it took a while for me to figure out how to actually do it, turns out im a weak ass bitch who can't press the top hard enough for the lead to pop out so i could actually use it. i'd say it's pretty solid tho? i tested it out in my sketchbook, and while i prefer thinner diameters for my lead it was nice to get a feel for using a lead holder for once. it's really neat that i'm able to blend/smear it too since it's actual graphite lead - and so far it at least seems to be sticking to the page.... the test drawings might smear over time but eh that's to be expected. i'd probably use this more for softer shading/coloring while i draw with my normal mechanical pencils but i haven't gotten to sharpen the tip yet. ohhh another thing one of them got me an early birthday gift! which i didn't expect at all, but it was a really pleasant surprise. she got me some frog socks and this cute good luck cat ambient light sculpture. i took him out of his enclosure but i don't have any batteries on me rn to put in to see if he works :( i'll do that later

i did manage to crash the moment i got home but even then my eyes are getting heavy again and my body is yearning to get more rest.. shorter journal entry for today i just wanted to document this since i've been anticipating it for a while.

01.03.2024

1:21 AM

happy holidays and new years!!! wow i haven't written in here since last year L M A O(im immediately escorted off the premises)

realll talk tho i didn't realize how much time has passed actually damn.... well i will say that my finals for the semester happened and that shit was super hectic that i suffered from the aftermath of it for a bit so that explains all the radio silence. tackled a shit ton of projects which involved pulling two all nighters and the consequence of that was ultimately ruining my sleep schedule for the next 1-2 weeks after break started. around that time i was consistently waking up at 2pm if i was lucky and 4pm if i wasn't and could not bring myself to go to sleep at night which led to me just staying up the whole night and managing to close my eyes at around 1pm and wwoooaoagh it was lowkey a mess. i think i'm slightly recovering from it though... yesterday i managed to wake up at 8am and today i woke up at around noon so maybe things are looking up?? i am starting to have the energy to do things i was hoping to get done now that im out of school so that's good too

because i've been sort of MIA to begin with that's pretty much all i've got to say that's happened these past few weeks ummm.... new years resolutions are still the same i think LMAO i said the same last year and did not follow through with it at all but i do want to try and do more finished art illustrations. that reminds me i think was planning on making my gallery soon for this site (probably after i figure out my about me) i do wanna show off some of the stuff i do at school here too other than the art i usually do. im so shy when it comes to posting on my irl instagram account. i think i also wished to dye my hair last year but that also still didn't happen, i'm hoping to getting around to doing that soon though too! we'll see

i've been getting back into the papa louie games again, i feel like the yearning hit me like yesterday but now i've been playing nonstop LOL. it's mostly the pancakeria to-go app on my phone, which is surprising because i don't think i cared for it as much compared to mocharia or cluckeria but hey i'm on a solid spot in terms of levels on there now. when i first opened it in a while the doorbell was the only shop upgrade i had now i bought everything else and on the third holiday now. what sucks tho is that i think all my progress on the games on my desktop through the numuki browser has been wiped somehow and that lowkey killed all my motivation to play hssdfnalsdfn oh well. oh yeah earlier tonight i also started trying to plan for an otomachi una cosplay. maybe i'll try to document that here too

11.05.2023

10:41 AM

so the end of daylights savings time has crept up on me huh.... i wasnt even aware that it was going to happen this weekend until a friend mentioned it but now im like yippeeee cant wait to walk out of class right as the sun is about to set!!! pure darkness at goddamn 4 pm woohoo!!!!

ok i m exaggerating. somehwat. it will never be completely dark here because the light pollution is so fucking bad but my point still stands.... i have been noticing how sunsets have been happening earlier and earlier with each passing day as a grim reminder of how the days are going to start feeling much shorter than they actually are leadign to me worrying about if i'm able to get the things i need to get done at a reasonable time (in fact that feeling has already been happening this weekend!) the past few days in particular i've felt so obligated to wake up earlier despite me wanting to stay up - and of course it'sbecause of another art project that was assigned literally last week orz. the good thing is that unlike last time i DID actually start on it (though a better way to phrase it is doing things related to its preparation) on wednesday where i visited the adler planetarium to get inspo for telescope models. then on friday i made sure to collect beach glass (which to my delight there was a LARGE abundance of it when i walked along the shore of the lakefront trail), and just yesterday i was able to thrift a bunch of glassware of varying sizes + mason jars from goodwill (or rather, just the screw rings . nothing else. the cashier just let me take them anyways). so i would like to think i'm pretty on schedule... none of this probably makes sense out of context, so i will provide it: our research studio teacher wants us to create something out of something els (pretty much using "unconventional" materials for an item of our selection), so i've decided to try and create a small spyglass/telescope out of anything that has any sort of transparency/reflection to it (hence all the glass! and some metal). i think it will be fun, it's mainly just the worries of getting it done in time u_u;; the past weekend i've kept waking up feelinglike it's monday tomorrow. the impending doom of it all!! i hope that once i get it done i can get some sense of relief (ignoring the other assignments i have at hand. i haven't checked those yet . )

anyways back to the topic at hand, woe to shorter days and longer nights.... i love nighttime, don't get me wrong. i loooove love love staying up late i would even argue that i normally get most of my energy around the ungodly hours of midnight and after but .... i need the sunlight too..... to not feel shitty.... you know.... probably since i associate the night with the freedom of doing whatever i want, i would like to complete the majority of my responsibilities when it's still light out, but of course since it gets dark super fast my body begins to be like "no!!!! but you haven't done x y and z yet!! and it's already late into the day!!! chop chop!!" even if it's ONLY early aafternoon i.e. when the sun is already low into the sky. idk. i still don't understand the us's deal with daylight savings time man each and every year people have all this talk of "ohhh this is our last fall back ever! we're going to withdraw guys!!" but then it DOES'T HAPPEN IT NEVER HAPPENS. i haven't been paying attention to the actual news surrounding it but since i keep hearing this since like what, middle school...?? high school I DONT KNOW! im just tired LOL. god and the inconvenience of switching manual clocks too godddd ddamit i don't know how to goabout the analog clock that i brought to my dorm because... i set my alarms on there too.... do i need to start calculating what to actually set it to so that i don't wake up an hour later than i would like to. is there a function for me to change it . god lookcing at it now i think i need to change its battery eventually i cannot fukcfng see whats on the screen unless i put it at a very specific distance away from me (VERY CLOSE) at a very specific angle. FCK MY SENSE OF TIME IS ALREADY FUCKED WHY FUCK IT UP EVEN MORE?????!?????

whatever.... all this to say FUCK changing our clocks every fall and also it's just been super draining the past few days lately.... i'm going to join some friends soon to do my figure drawing homework + work on my research project since we're all in the same class and equally anxious about it LMAO. solidarity but also my social battery is getting super low too since i've pretty much went out with these guys for three days in a row. crossing my fingers i can finish this project early and then go home anddddd idk what i'd do next i'll think about it later

10.30.2023

11:07 PM

just finished watching two hours worth of homework in one sitting. honestly it did not feel as bad and was actually pretty thought provoking, but i will talk about it later thoguh since i'm writing here to serve as a small break before continuing. i was going to write an entry here last night, but i got distracted by my best friend who i ended up video calling just to have one of our impromptu talks again since my roommate was staying in one of the practice rooms for the night. i think those serve as another place for me to dump my thoughts and talk about whatever and what has been on my mind, hence i didn't really feel like writing in here anymore that night. i'm really lucky to have someone to be able to bounce off of irl so naturally when it comes to conversation - i like how the topics can range from just some trivial observation we've made about our day or one isolated incident that we experienced just a few hours earlier to much grander topics and our thoughts about how the world works, how people are, etc etc within such a short span of time. all this to say that i think i'm happy i have at least one person irl where i don't need to think too hard about what to say next to keep convo going, it just unravels by itself and we go along with the ride. even if we do run out of things to talk about, i'm comfortable enough to just sit in silence with her too. it's nice. really, really nice. i may have already talked about this before, but i don't really care. i appreciate her too much. we actually discussed maybe visiting each other one day, the one thing we're not exactly sure about is when considering her college operates under the trimester system, hence her schedule is MUCH. much more hectic in comparison to mine. we're hoping sometime soon, though.

i got to watch john berger's "ways of seeing" tv programme as homework for my psych class. i wanted to binge it all today not only to get in the habit of doing homework a couple days before it's due but also because each episode is 30 minutes, and 4 x 30 is 120 minutes which is 2 hours, and that fact alone made me anxious about putting it off any longer considering tuesday i'm out for most of the day since it's a night class and wednesday... is the day that it's due. so i did that once i woke up from my nap - and any kind of subtle dread that i held in my body dissipated by the end of the first episode. i understand why a lot of people considered this to be influential to how art is viewed and interpreted today, since many of the points that berger brings up are not only ones that i found myself agreeing with, but also points that i think still reflect the current mindset of a lot of people today nearly 50 years later. i do recommend giving it a watch if that kind of stuff interests you... he talks a lot about how reproduction of art through modern technology impacts its meaning for better or for worse, the male gaze, how publicity images in modern time reflect exactly that of European oil paintings, etc etc auauhahahghghg there's a lot!! he describes it much better than i ever will be able to

speaking of art, god i love art. i love how people can express a variety of different things through art. i love it when art confuses me, i love it when art makes me feel so strongly, i love how art serves as a reflection of human experience. earlier during research studio we got to visit one of the restricted access collections in the library that we could use as a source of research/inspiration for future projects - the people there set out a bunch of books and some art projects from students/alumni that were donated to them for us to look at. one of the donated projects i still think about. "reminders: lost and found." it was a bunch of canning jars that represented a bunch of things that were now gone from that artist's life, handwritten on their lids, where small embroidered pillows representing "transitional objects" and folded notecards with small written blurbs were stashed away. naivety, her father, her grandmother, her virginity, her home, her first crush, her classmate, her pet. i don't really know how to describe the emotions i felt while going through each jar, unscrewing its lid before holding before my eyes the small pillows accompanied by the handwritten text, nor the magnitude at which it had a grip on me. i can certainly say it touched me. significantly.

i've been sitting at this entry for a while, so i'll have to get back to work. i'm aiming to maybe finish all my work due this week tonight to at the latest tomorrow morning. all i have left is a fuck ton of reading for psych and art history. the advantage to my art history teacher calling in sick last week is that essentially, i already did most of what we'll be talking about for next class, though i skipped doing the reading assigned for last week. i mean, why not catch up on that? i might as well since if this can be considered a "second chance." but we'll see how much my attention span lasts for tonight.

10.25.2023

10:56 PM

i suddenly got a surge of sleepiness and im not going to lie i might just give into the demons eventually and turn in early... i wanted to write in here first though before i go do that, it'll be a little shorter though (maybe)

i was not expecting to suddenly tag along with three other girls from my psych class. i left the classroom around the same time as they were and kind of just followed them out of the building and down the street since it was already dark, also just to be with people considering that fact, yknow? well they noticed i was kind of walking around the same pace as they were and actually invited me into conversation, which i was pleasantly surprised by (albeit it took me a moment to realize they were speaking to me since i had my earbuds in). suddenly though one of them asked if we would be down to eat somewhere together and typically when it came to strangers and suddenly hanging out i would just be like oh that's okay, i'll just head back to my dorm because of social battery and all. but i don't konw what came over me that moment because i agreed. we went to this taco place which i'll say was actually pretty good, i tried horchata for the first time because one of them offered me a sip and holy hell i'm so fucking mad i didn't get that shit. i might just go back there sometime with my other friends if like they like it, it's a nice place. the hangout overall was fine, despite being super impromptu - i wouldn't call these girls friends just yet since i'm still in that initial awkward stage when meeting new people, and it takes some time for me to warm up to others, especially in person. but we were pretty chill with each other even if all we talked about was really surface-level NPC type beat i.e. "what are you focusing on", "which dorm do you stay in", etc etc. i actually found out one of them lives in the same floor as i do so it was a pleasant surprise, i've been wanting to get to konw more about the people on my floor for convenience's sake. the idea by itself sounds nice too. idk i think i just wanted to actually talk to more people outside of the class setting that weren't the same three friends that i'm already hanging out with a lot since they were from my orientation group. i don't want to force myself to make new friends since i'd rather let things happen the way that they do, but i think it's just nice to be able to actually talk and reach out to more people, yknow. i also don't want to stick to just "one group", seeeing it in that way feels a bit restricting. idk. let's see how things play out. my brain is meltingf the more i speak and my eyes are gettinfg so so heavy so i think i will stop here

10.24.2023

11:37 AM

good morning.... tried doing some little changes to this site i.e. working on my about page (which i changed from the home tab on the index, simply bc i think having that would be redundant since im just going to be adding a button that allows for you to come back to my index on every other page that i have anyways... that or people can just use their own back arrows from their browser sooo), trying out status.cafe, etc. as you can see tho i sort of gave up orz i think i lowkey forgot much of my already basic html coding knowledge since i haven't touched this site in forever aside from writing journal entries which... are exactly what it says on the tin. nothing really code savvy yknow. i'll have to brush up on my coding resources so that i'm not fighting for my life as much as i was last night but daaamn sometimes it's a little harder for me to retain any kind of knowledge related to this sort of thing @_@ it can get a little discouraging but i don't wanna give up!! i have visions that i so badly want to bring to life on here as i think it will do well for me and i have no reason to not do them if i can. i just need to learn to be patient...

anyways i woke up a little.... hm. a little inconvenienced. to start off i woke up SORE as hell. after moving around i am a little bit better though, though it's mainly what i think is called the abductor muscle...? on my right hand and my left bicep and i know EXACTLY why i am blaming the figure drawing homework i did yesterday . for context i had to visit the art institute and redraw figures from any realistic/realistic-aligned painting in my sketchbook, though the thing is since i had a bigger backpack on me when i walked in as i had come straight after class, i had to surrender it to the checkroom and hence was left to carry my sketchbook, pencil case, and water bottle with my own hands while in the museum. it wasn't something that annoyed me, in fact i didn't mind at all. the thing is i made the silly goofy mistake of deciding to still hold my pencil case (which, mind you, is a little on the bigger side, and also has a little handle on the side so that yuo can carry it like a small bag) dangling from my fingers while also holding my sketchbook over the crook of my arm as i drew - for several minutes. and you know what happens when you maintain a somewhat uncomfortable position for several minutes? ABSOLUUTE ACHING PAIN. eventually i noticed that the arm holding my sketchbook was starting to shake, so i was like hmm... that's strange maybe i need to readjust my position a little bit. so i straightened my arm by the slightest bit and i immediately knew the problem like it was full on actual pain my bicep felt so fucking tight i could barely fully straighten it out. i might sound a bit dramatic here but it was essentially the equivalent of doing one bicep curl with a dumbbell and holding it for 5+ minutes. LIKE IT HURT SO MUCH GUYS I DON'T EVEN CARE IF I SOUND LIKE A WEAK BITCH I ALREADY KNOW I AM!!!! anyways i couldn't stand in front of paintings anymore as i felt that holding up my sketchbook would only worsen the aching so i was nerfed to only be able to sit on a bench and draw what i saw from there.

despite my complaining though the experience wasn't bad i don't mind this kind of homework. i think it was mainly not just the pain i had unknowingly enacted upon myself but also the feeling of being rushed to complete this assignment since the art institute closes ANNOYINGLY early (at 5, for reference i got out of my class at around 2:30 and arrived at the museum approximately 15 minutes later). at first i thought i would be able to finish these drawings quickly since they're only supposed to be of figures, and figure drawings in general are very much associated with time and speed and completing it in the most efficient way possible. except um.... i may have overdone it...... maybe.... aaaUUUUAUUGHHGHHH MY SECOND MISTAKE WAS GOING OFF OF FUCKING CARAVAGGIO. i had forgotten that the museum had him + the caravaggisti as the ongoing special exhibit and i immediately thought "OH JACKPOT they definitely have a bunch of painted figures i can look at" but i have realized that you... cannot really make these figures look good UNLESS you add value. and caravaggistic paintings are literally known for their intense chiaroscuro soo.... i might've dug myself into a deeper hole than i had initially thought bc now im spending so much on adding shadow. so i was starting to panic when i realized that my drawings were taking around likeeee 20 minutes to complete?? a little more or less, and i needed five of them. that's 100 minutes and i had approximately a little less than two hours to stay there until closing. i think what was slowing me down is that i often hyperfocus on one spot/area of a piece until i'm satisfied with it, even if i get frustrated before moving on from there. it's a bit of a bad habit that i have, and it does NOT do you good in a faster-paced environment (for example, figure drawing classes!). my teacher pointed this out actually last week, noting that i wasn't working the whole and i would end up with a piece that looks unfinished once the timer goes off if i spent anymore time on the area that i was obsessing over. as spontaneous as i am when it comes to doing things, i realize i may still adhere to some sort of "rigid" process unconsciously as i feel like a certain section of the artwork needs to be finished before i can finally move on - i think in some aspects that can apply to how i work in general, while i'm not necessarily sticking to any sort of strict schedule or time table i still have this sense of "order" of items that i need to do. and often it can fuck me over because if i don't have the energy to work on one item, i feel i cannot work on anything else, hence i end up not getting anything done annnnnd endless spiral of feeling unproductive and shitty yadda yadda etc. so that's something i need to work on! going back on track, i kept noticing i would fall under the trap of continuing to layer shadows in one area of the body when i haven't even drawn the full figure yet, so i'll have to try a different approach the next time i get another assignment like this.

.... ok so that turned into an entire ass self-reflection LMAO. where was i.... oh yeah my morning was very inconvenienced not only by aching pains but also becuase my phone charger is lowkey kind of fucked i think . it didn't fucking CHARGE so it was at 20% when i first opened my phone... i did charge it a bit and now it's at 60% so i should be good??? at least until class starts i have a little under three hours left before i need to up and leave for today. i wouldn't say my morning was ruined tho, i kind of just went about things albeit i will admit i'm pretty distracted in general.... like whhat the fuck i started this entry at around 11:30 and it is now 1 PM ARE YOU SERIOUS???!?>?!???!? oh well i'm much more awakenow

10.20.2023

6:39 PM

currently back at home since my roommate's not cleared until saturday so looks like i'll be staying here for the weekend. that being said I AM FINALLYYY FINISHED WITH ALL THE PROJECTS THAT I WAS ANXIOUSFOR SINCE LAST NIGHT i am so happy. thank god thank god ooughhghghghg the critique for my core studio class wasn't bad at all infact the way my professors formatted it was probably the best possible outcome honestly. they let everyone pick a slot to either install their pieces in the morning or in the afternoon so that those who were more sleepy/tired could leave and come back later and those who were more awake could just get it over with first and then leave after the first half was finished. ofc i chose to present in the afternoon bc i was one of those people who felt super sleepy + i wanted to sneak in more time to work on my reading presentation.... not to mention that the morning and afternoon groups were split even further between two rooms so really i was presenting to like a really small group of 4-5 other people + one of my professors. and everyone was super nice about it they liked my poster collage! as for art history i'm just glad i dont need to worry about that damn presentation anymore i would like to think that my group didn't do too bad, i got the information out. it's a little funny too we were pretty much texting each other in our group chat during the first half of class hyping each other up and freaking out LOL. whatever all of this is behind me now. i can truly relax....

speaking of relaxing i think i'm really starting to catch up on sleep now.... i conked out much earlier than i usually do last night (around 11) and then woke up at 10 that was the first time ive ever gotten i thikn 8+ hours of sleep in forever OFJDOFJASDFNPAWEOPFKMASDLFKNASDLFJ not to mention the 3 hour nap i took literally not even 2 hours later i think i fell asleep around 1...? and then woke up at 4. i think this is really good for me though considering how often i've been sleeping and waking up still feeling suuuuper tired. god bless. this also means i can work on personal art stuff so i shuold be able to do that tonight tehehehehehhee i'm excited ^_^ ^_^

before i start working on that though i NEED a moment to express my insanity for inabakumori. everyday im getting more convinced that hes my fav vocaproducer like i dont think ive ever been disappointed by a song from him ever . at all. his old songs (including the ones he released when he was still inabapukari in the earlier half of the 2010s) and his new songs are of equal value to me LIKE AUUAUUGHUGAUHGUJRURJUUGFG WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! HOW DOES HE MANAGE TO DO THAT he's one of the people who moved from having more of a jrock sound to more of a jpop one and usually i miss when producers focused on having a rock sound (side eyeing deco*27 and kairiki bear) but with this guy idk, both sounds of his seem to captivate me equally. there is always a time where an inaba song is being looped for god knows how long on my phone and right now i have his newest release from earlier TODAY it's been on repeat since the moment i woke up. yoyuyoku is actuall y doing something to my brain chemistry like it sounds so . magical and bittersweet.... like listening to it makes me feel vaguely sad about it but not exactly that either... a comfy kind of sad??? that does seem to be a trend with inabakumori's works honestly a lot of his songs are pretty sad ngl. BUT EITHERWAY it's neat to hear him using vocaloid beta... i am so obssessed with how he gravitates towards softer vocals to use with instrumentals that sound frantic in their own right like i would have never imagined to hear him use kazehiki and AAUUAHUHAGHGFUGJFGJFG ESPECIALLY HIS USE OF KAZEHIKIIII HE SOUNDS SO WELL WITH NAGI EVEN IF HE'S MAINLY JUST USED FOR THE HARMONIES. the chorus is what drives me the most insane honestly like ON TOP OF THE SYNTH + THE GUITAR????????? I FEEL LIKE ASCNEDING AUAUGHAGJFDOFGKDFGMDFGLKDFGDLFGMLDFKGM;ADLFL,AS;DLF,SADFASDF I AM STILL LISTENING TO THIS SONG AS I'M TYPING THIS goddd god. i need to inject this song into my bloodstream i need it inside me rightnow it is ssoo yumyum yummu yum

hmmm at some point i need to organize my journal more.... i know i can't keep piling entries on forever and ever like this where you'l have to infinitely scroll i do want to have at least SOME sense of organization for it i.e. categorizing by year... i'll probably just worry about it later when 2024 comes around

10.18.2023

4:12 PM

im not gonna lie guys i dont know what im feeling rn. it's not definitely not good but it's not like i feel utterly shitty yknow. i've been out of my dorm since 11 and went to one of the academic buildings initially to eat brunch there but decided to stay and do homework anyways jst to minimize the amount of time i'm exposed to my roommate so far. i did finish some stuff but then i ended up just napping o(-( 6 FUCKING TIMES i was stting on this little recline chair the whole time and dman im still very very tired

i really dont wanna do anything guys.... i was supposed to meet with my reading presentation group at 4 but then last minute time complications happened so we're meeting even later in the evening after i go to psych class. which gives me more time to do my part because honestly i have not .... done much shit.... but i have the feeling where anything i need to do feels like such a bother like it's too harrrrrrddddd why must i work on the presentation that is due in less than 24 hours. i think another thing that's getting to me is my roommate covid situation aahahaaaaa i dont wanna stay another night in that dorm and neither does my roommate we were hoping that i'd find another place to stay at some time today but like who do i ask T__T asking people sounds so fuckifng embarrassing bro . im so tempted to just knock on our neighbors' door again just for any sort of confirmation of whether or not they'll let me stay with them for the next couple of days before my roommate is cleared to step outside but what if i sound pushy. i've realized how terrified i feel if i am recognized by people i barely talk to/don't know very well by literally just existing like hey ... why are you perceiving me. why am i MAKING you perceive me i get so embarrassed getting food from the cafeteria twice like when i want to get a small snack after lunch i got so embarrassed when the same dude working from walgreens had to assist me two separate times to unlock the glass case where they kept the tylenol and lysol that i needed to get for my roommate. i know it's so dumb but i get such a visceral reaction when i am aware that a person might ahve seen me before . i know my roommate vaguely knows other people that could potentially take me in as well on our floor so i could just text ehr too but what if she is asleep rn. or what if she doesnt want to be talked to I DONT KONWWWW my brain is kind of in scribbles at the moment. ughhhhh

maaaan class starts in over 2 hours but it feels like its in 30 minutes. i dont want to get coffee it doesnt feel healthy but idk how else to make myself wake up . i think i need to walk around

2:14 AM

IT GOT WORSE BEFORE IT GOT BETTER i am more normal now . a little bit. ngl tho my background anxiety kind of exacerbated as time went on bc i tried to contact my neighbors again butttt um i did it at a bad time when she was handling a call and i so desperately needed t o go to class. also i realized i forgot my left earbud cuz it wasnt in my case when i had already walked halfway en route to the building i needed to go to for psych but i wasnt sure if i had taken it off at my dorm or if it fell out of my pocket at some point along the way. and ohhh boy you know the kind of mood that you have to be in where the slightest inconveniences suddenly stir the beast within you . yeah that's what i was going through OIFJADOIAJSDFOASDCASJDC I NEARLY CRIED . thank god i just left it at my dorm though that was a huge relief

anyways i managed to get my dad to pick me up and let me stay at his place so that i wouldnt have to spend another night in my dorm soooo im not that much at risk anymore THANK GOD. rn i am . cramming shit for my reading presentation LMAOOOOOOOO that was a huge fucking lie when i said that i wouldnt wanna rush this kind of shit but honestly i think whatever the hell was happening earlier today kind of made this project the least of my worries im in a little bit of an idgaf mood rn and just typing shit. in all honesty though i really dont think this project even needs to be perfect i finally called my groupmates and we all are so done with this shit LOL how many "it is what it is"'s were said, i lost count. im nearly finished though this is actually much easier than i thought it'd be it's literally just summary of the reading for the most part so.... yeah. that's all i wanted to say i'm going back to work now so that i can finally snorrrmimimimi ok gootbye

10.17.2023

10:59 AM

hmm i was trying out that new layout shit bc i thought i would add more to yesterday's entry but that did not happen LMAO i might keep it though i like how it looks. anyways i will be honest i did not manage to finish any of those things i listed so im a LITTLE bit worried. i need to leave time for me to do my thursday projects because i do not want to feel panic over them but ESPECIALLY my reading presentation. i think as long as i finish my other homeowrk items sometime before i have to go get ready for class today i should still be on the right track (i did manage to nearly finish that owed art piece so that is all good)

i think another thing that is somewhat worrying me are room checks starting tomorrow bc me and my roommate's dorm is. a little bit messier than usual! im mostly worried about the kitchen which i'm usually in charge of as some dishes have not been cleaned at ALL yet since there was no more room for me to put any more shit in our small little drying rack last night. another thing is that my roommmate accidentally cut herself with a serrated knife like two days ago (which like . she's fine, thankfully) but she had to get stitches and now has her pinky in a cast. so she can't really get her hands wet aka ALL of the dishes are going to be handled by me now as opposed to my own + whatever's left at the end of the day.... so that's why there's been a growing pile since she can't . really do anything. i'm sure i'll manage somehow. all the trash cans are getting really full too and i keep forgetting to get medium sized trashbags specifically for my own personal trash but that's more of an easier task that i just need to get to eventually. honestly i need to clean up my shit in general my parents sent me a bag with more longer sleeved sleepwear + vitamin gummies + extra contacts since i was starting to run out like a week ago and i have not . touched any of that yet . neither have i hung up the stuff i bought this sunday . and i have another bag with my dismantled installation project from also last week . so i have a huge pile of bags by my desk that is taking up a whole lot of space @_@ RAUAUUGHGHHGHGHH

completely off topic but something a bit more positive i think . i've found that i'm actually talking to my irl best friend a whole lot more while in college. we didn't really text each other that much in high school honestly... probably bc we would already see each other so we didn't really see any need to? but even then we rarely saw each other throughout the day because we'd be taking completely different classes (i'm more of an art kid while she's more into STEM). back then we'd still texted each other but that was mainly when we wanted to have our long talks over the phone or if we were planning an outing together. but damn ngl i feel like i've been keeping up pretty well with her + how she's doing in college so far... i even introduced her to one of my classmates at some point through video call during lunch! and it was pretty nice the two of them seemed to vibe with each other. idk i was sort of expecting to not be talking much with the people i knew in high school bc something something my good school relationships often felt purely circumstantial. i think i was applying this mentality with her especially since i remembered we had a convo together talking about how we strangely don't feel too sad about going to different colleges, and that we agreed that we'll talk at our own pace since she often felt the same way about her own connections back at school. but maybe that's the reason why i wasn't too worried cuz we were going to end up texting a lot anyways LOLOL we've actually video called like three times already. it feels super nice actually

my stomach just growled really loudly i think that's a sign for me to cap it at here for now

11:19 PM

so um.

my roommate got covid ^_^

I AM FINE I THINK she texted me that she tested positive while i was out in class so so far i havent been exposed to her for like . that long so far. right now i had to knock on doors to see if anyone would be able to take me in and let me stay for the time being to reduce having to stay in the same room as her... fortunately our neighbors seem to be willing to take me it turns out its actually this girl from my core studio and art history class so at least theres a connection! and my roommate knows her roommate and said she's super sweet too so i am crossing my fingers to see if they'll accept me :praying:

1:09 AM

guys imfeeling a little deliirious rn THEY HAVENT RESPONDEDDDDDD AGHGHHGHHGHHHHUFGHFGGH FFUCKKK I AM OVERTHINKING I DONT KNOW IF THAT GIRL ENTERED MY CONTACT NUMBER WRONG OR IF THEY HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO DISCUSS IT YE T or if they knocked on the door while i was showering AUGHGUFHUFGRUJRUJGRUJGJUFG i mean i would hope thatif they werent comfy of lettignme stay with them they would ATLEAST TELL ME i evvne considered knocing on their door as well to check but also it is 1 am . i dont want to bother anwone GODKMIMSKMS KSM

roommate and i agreed that if its just one night together then..... things might be fine....... ive been wearing a mask since i got here and sprayed the shit out of our dorm with lysol so we're diong our best here folk s mmmaybe ill get a response tomrorow right . right.hahaha . rihg

10.16.2023

5:39 PM

this sleep shit is stilll notreally workkking grrrr class ended at 3 anddd i laid down to go to sleep at around 3:45 and was aiming for a 30 minute nap and instead i woke up at 5:30 . and even then i STILL feelso tired. trying to force myself to start owrk as of now uhhhh i need to draw in my sketchbook finish psych reading and then finish art illustration afterwards. and then i can take a small break and figureout what to do next. ok

10.15.2023 - 8:49 PM

currently writig this while my brai n feels like scribbles + my hand semi bleeding becuase i poked myself too hard trying to plug my laptop charger into the outlet as i did not have my glasses on. it's not actually bleeding i jst pressed a tissue against it for a couple mintues but the affected skin just burns a lot ouch ouchouch ouchie

n e wayzzzz today was a chill day..... or at least chill in regards to how i didn't really do much relating to responsibilities. i went out with a couple of friends with the intent of just window shopping and it devolved into an entire ass hangout i was not expecting to be out for that long actually. we ate lunch together before taking the train to visit wicker park and hoooooooly shit i need to go back there there's so much shit to do guys. the stores there are actually have so much fucking nice stuff + shit that i want sososooso bad we thrifted at a couple of the shops and i managed to snag a cool ass jacket + new high tops.... i feel like i might be able to start finding out/dressing the way i want to soon now that i know what it has to offer over there huhuehuheueugjuejguheughujeueue

later on we took the train back and visited a couple more stores that were closer to the area near our dorm buildings since two of my pals were looking for new shoes, we ended up going to the macy's that i actually visited with an online friend a couple months ago before she moved out of chicago (around august i believe...? she was only staying in the city due to an internship for the summer and we wanted to meet up one last time before she went back to college) and let me tell you this building is actually so . it has several floors and as you go up it really begins to feel more and more uncanny...? i led them to spots that i discovered with my friend and it was really cool to revisit them again, though i will admit that the mysterious vibe wasn't the same (probably since there were four of us this time instead of two, plus we didn't get to some of the areas that i thought were the most chilling to be in but the store was supposed to close earlier since it's a sunday). either way, i had a lot of fun! we were out since 12 and came back like around 7?? holy hell actually writing it down makes me realize we've been out for a WHILE i'm telling you it was lONG long

usually after long ass hangouts im so drained and tired and need to go take a nap but strangely i don't feel that way...? if anything i actually feel pretty pumped to get work done and it's really surprising honestly... i think it's rather good for me since i do feel like i'm a little behind on tasks as of now. lately i've been trying to hyperfocus on certain tasks that i'm POSITIVE i want to get done + are TOP TOP priority at the moment before worrying about other shit since i feel like looking at the big picture only makes it worse. like if i have too many things that i'm aware of in my brain i become paralyzed from doing anything at all. i am hopinggg to finish (most of) the homework that i have due from monday through wednesday so that i can leave more time to do the shit that i need to complete for thursday since that's my busiest day for this week i believe (both of my thursday classes have a project due). the stuff due tomorrow shouldnt be too hard since it's just writing a reflection whereas tuesday i need to draw in my sketchbook and wednesday i need to annotate a reading.... after that i'll probably work a little on an overdue art piece that i really need to get done soon if time permits + clean the dorm a bit when my rooommate comes back. hoping that i'll get myself ot sleep a little earlier as i'm pretty sure ive been losing sleep lately as well, i barely wake up to my alarms + i keep extending my nap times similar to how i was back in high school soooooo. thats not good i neeed to fix that very soon

at this point my journal is going to end with me planning out my next moves after i finish each entry LMAOOOOOOOOO i like writing down/verbalizing stuff since it's at least on my mind (and i feel more likely to follow through with it). anyways enough rambling i need time to GRIND :boom:

10.11.2023 - 9:38 PM

d. damn i never updated shit until over a month of moving in huh OJFJADSIASJSCPKASMDCPOKMASDCPOPAIDFOPASKDMCPOKASDC

apologies for neglecting this site..... i do wanna get back into adding more of the things i want it to include eventually but ig so far i've just been in the phase of adjusting to college life so i haven't had the time to do that @_@ (plus other things i'm mostly paying attention to). it's been going okay so far, i actually really like having around one class a day and fridays off despite each class being 3-6 hours long. not as bad as i thought it'd be!

i'm losing ym fucking shit help my roommate walked by me just now and saw me typing in here and was like "what the fuck is thatshit i thought you had like three viruses on your computer" OIADSIFJASDCINASPOKDCMPAOSKDMC speaking of which i think i'm getitng more and more used to her. she's a very chill person so it's not like i disliked her at first upon coming here it's more so me adjusting to living with a complete stranger. often i forget i am now considered a young adult who can do whatever the fuck she wants and for several instances within the past couple of months have felt like i am beneath doing random shit without asking and dreaded over just existing and doing simple tasks thinking it will bother her but i think lately i've been getting better at just. yknow. doing shit. like ohhhh my god it was so bad guys she once cooked dinner and we were eating together and i suddenly go "can i have seconds" and she just gave me this really confused look . and went ".... yes...?" lIKE AUGHUGUHFUHFGUHHHHHHHHHHHH WHWAT THE FUCK!!!! itrs okay tho ug h i am living .

anyways going back to how college is going . i cannot believe it's already halfway through the semester like pre-registration appointments are already happening for spring classes and im like WHAAAAAT. this cant be real god please what.... everything feels so fast. but ig that's another thing im getting accustomed to. as much as i prefer college so much more than high school so far i am . still a struggelr . like im currently in the stage where i feel like there s a lot of shit i need to do... like keeping up with random homework assignments but also preparing for projects IN COMBINATION WITH OTHER COMMITMENTS I AGREED TO DO and i think i only now just realized that .... i'm praying i'll be able to be productive this week and be able to tackle most of these tasks like i have them written down . so at least i can formulate some sort of plan the difficulty mainly stems from actually disciplining myself and sticking to my plans.

anyways that's ,,, pretty much all i wanted to say.... i know this update probably sounds short esp considering how long it's been since i've last touched this journal but also. it's . just been the normal college experience i guess. nothing too out of the blue of what i expected. i wanna get back in the habit of writing in here more often since it'll at least be somehting even if i can't consistently update/fix bigger things such as other pages so !!! here's to hoping that actually happens o(-(

08.25.2023 - 5:27 PM

IM FINALLY MOVED IN!!!!!!!!!! I OFFICIALLY LIVE IN CHICAGO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think im way too excited about it than i realize because my parents have noted that my smiles for pictures have been much bigger than usual.

i managed to bring in most of the stuff i need, though my parents will come back tomorrow early evening to bring in some more since there were some things that straight up did not work out/i forgot (aha. my extra contacts....) otherwise i'd say move in day went pretty smoothly. i met my roommate in person for the first time today as well and she's as nice as she is in her texts :sob: i was nervous it'd be awkward between us when we finally got to meet each other face to face but that did not seem to happen. we also have a cat!!!!! his name's bear and hes sosososo fuckign cute i love cats so much

i dont really have much else to say.... i managed to visit the buildings i need to go to for my classes and i think?? i got it??? most of them are pretty close to each other so i don't need to worry too much about walking.... we'll see how i do. also a little paranoid for missing events i ahve never heard of so ive been constantly checking my emails but my roommate keeps assuring me that nothing's really happening until monday so! i guess i will just relax here and chill until then

08.22.2023 - 7:57 PM

i litearly blinked and an hour passed what the actual fuck i might actyally cry. i was thinking about writing in here when it was still 6:50 what the hell actually happened man am i tripping?????????????????????? hello??????????????????????

anywaysse emrmmmm aha. a little bit on an anxious trip right now. i move out in four days (the 25th) onto campus and im excited as hell but also really really nervous considering preparations and shit. mainly about what i'll be able to bring and stuff i'm so worried that i'll bring too much stuff but also i fear that i won't bring enough??? and i mean i'd take overpacking anyday but also thats so much work and AAHUAGHGHGHGHGHRUGHUHRGFG FUCKKKKKKKKKK FUCKFUCKFUCK MEEEEEEEEEEEE hwat if my roommate hates me for it ma.n. i asked her what she was giong to bring and she did send me a definitive list on what she plans to take along with her so at least that gives me more of a solid idea of what i should bring myself but what if i dont get those things in timeeeeeeeeeeeeeee my mom said that we would be able to buy the things i need today but after work she was sososo tired and i didnt wanna bother her so i let her rest

god speaking of my mom being tired idont knowwwwwwwww i get nervous whenever shes tired bc shes prone to randomly snap . i do the same i really dont blame her but sometimes she gets so unpredictable when shes tired where im just chilling and whatever and she comes by and is like "what the fuck are you doing . why aren't you doing anythign important youre always on your phone/computer" and yknow. yada yada i need to work on shit its a huge moodkiller so im just . hahaha. normally it wouldnt bug me as much if i didnt have actual responsibilities i could be doing such as packing my clothes and getting my shit together but also that requires me to talk to her about important thigns and important things stressher when shes tired and mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmgghhhhhhhh do you see what i m getting at here. fuck man even my dad asked me if i left the house today which ofc i said no and he didnt respond but :skull: it sounded like it was asked in a way to say "damn you look kinda shity" maybe im looking too deeply into that and he was just curious but aughhghghghghhgggh sometimes he comments on my weight out of nowehre and it drives me insane so i also have my doubts with him too

man i think i might be trippign but i feel my parents might be tense with each other in general i think thats another thing as to why i have this background sense of dread so im just sitting here in my room typing this like crazy to get it out of the way hahahahahahhahahaha. maybe ill just draw for myself to empty my mind to see if that helps and try to tell myself to not feel guilty doing so o(-( yes i have responsibilities but i m stuck in stasis right now because my mom has not shown me where the suitcase she wants me to use i s located so i will just wait for her :thumbsup:

gonna try to end this on a more positive note. ish. kind of. since i've been drawing a lot lately/have a lot of art i need to finish soon such as zine work i might try working on my gallery next. its probably gonna feel like a hugehuge step from the current pages i have now since itll have to be interactive but i'll try my best to see how other people went about it........ i think it'd be really nice to have a place to store all my art shamelessly without having to worry about algorithms or if it's "postworthy" or not. i will literally put EVERYTHING even the tiniest fucking doodle s if i can. i still really do like sharing my art on the internet i guess i just want a place where i can just take away the engagement yknow. we'll see when i can get on with that

okay i think i feel a little bit better. i think my moms feeling better now too and is finding the suitcase for packing so turns out i dont need to be compeltely worrying about her snapping at me i think. ill go eat dinner now before i do that

08.19.2023 - 10:42 PM

so i was out for most of the day, which i wasn't expecting. i went down to chicago again with my dad and my tita to watch the air and water show andddddd. umm. unfortunately it was very disappointing u_u;;; it was both me and my dad's first time and we both agreed that our vision was a little different than reality JKNFDSFNSIDFNISDJF at the very least we did go out to eat at this cafe i really liked. i had some crepes

afterwards my dad dropped me off at my tita's house cuz he had to see a patient right after and he did not want to drive back and forth... it turned out fine though because i ended up just sleeping the whole time until he came back to pick me up. my mom also came back from west virginia! she had to drive her brother's family over there since they recently immigrated to the states and had been staying with us for about a week... we picked her up from the airport and now she's back and thank god for that. i think my dog was getting lowkey depressed because she wasn't at home i don't know how much longer i would be able to deal with that

i'm beginning to wonder if i should add a outlinks page to this site just to show some of the bookmarks i've got/useful shit i've found - i don't really have a BUNCH of cool/lifesaving sites but i feel like i hit jackpot because I FOUND A POSER APP I CAN USE AS ART REFERENCES THAT DOESN'T MELT MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for the longest time i've felt like poser apps would be a lifesaver for me mainly because there are some very specific poses that i am thinking of but can't really get right? except i can't really type out what i'm thinking of in google searches + i would NOT be able to know how to capture a photo of myself doing the pose in question so naturally using a poser app would be the best solution except all my previous experiences with poser apps have been . a lot. maybe it's because i was stupider back then or just lazy to actually try and work but ohmyogddd i was able to pose TWO CHARACTERS!! for a fanzine piece i'm doing and IT'S ACTUALLY MAKING THINGS SO MUCH EASIER!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! i tried out the web app but i wanna see if the windows app is any better.... i'm also really tempted to upgrade since it unlocks props and other models but it's 99 FUCKING DOLALRS???!?>>?@!>???!@> i'm probably gonna wait to see if i realy really need it but otherwise . i think i will use this site more often when i draw. snifffffffffs snifs im so happyyyy

08.18.2023 - 7:20 PM

i've been really sleepy the whole day.... i woke up around 11 AM and did some stuff i needed to do except i went to nap around like 3...? 4?? i don't really know it was supposed to be a 20 minute nap but i kept turning off my alarm and kept staying in bed asleep until around 6??? i don't even know man i was just lying there for a while i think which just made me more tired.

i need to start making to-do lists again. i think. i feel like whne i have a bunch of shit i need to work on i keep shifting focus and i end up not really completing anythinggg so i just end up feeling shitty instead and that's what im starting to feel right now. it's so hard to keep track of everything in my head.

08.17.2023 - 4:54 AM

at this point i think i'm incapable of going to sleep early without waking up at ungodly hours. i decided to go to sleep much earlier than i do usually (around 10 or 11) and work up around 4. i've just been laying in bed contemplating if i shuold go back to sleep but i decided to just stay up instead

not a lot of things happened yesterday. i was finally able to do that college welcome appointment. neither of my parents are home at the moment and i ended up regrettably eating a bunch of junk throughout the day. i met with my friend's internship again to show them rough drafts for the billboard design and they liked it! one thing though is that the lady who i was talking with saw through me :skull: i was sharing my screen which showed my application for drawing (clip studio paint) and she said "hmmm you must be an artist involved in fan twitter i know this app is great for drawing fanart" and im gonna be honest i felt my heart stop. i dont post my art often but damn she really siad "i know what you are"

lately the things i've been really into right now are skip and loafer and atarashii gakko. i frogot to mention but i binged the whole thing on the 15th and godddddd i love these kids so much my appreciation for them has completely skyrocketed ..... i am so so so happy with the writing and handling of these characters, i will admit there have been some moments where i was expecting takamatsu to go follow a certain direction before doing things a different way that's so refreshing to me. the way so much of the cast has developed in their own ways is so crazy, even if for some of them it's only one or two chapters it all just feels satisfying and natural plus THE WAY. MANY OF THE SIDE CHARACTERS HAVE THEIR OWN WAYS TO SHINE AND HOW IT CAN STILL CONNECT BACK TO THE MAIN LEADS. there's too many things about this series that makes me explode and just stick to me; mika's whole character and her development, makoyuzu's friendship, the entirety of the cultural festival arc, THE WAY MITSUMI AND SOUSUKE'S RELATIONSHIP IS PROGRESSING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE STORY that i still have NOT been able to get over because the way it's written is something i so rarely see in other media, yet it makes me sooooo sososo fucking happy nonetheless. it relieves me to see that takamatsu seems to be taking into consideration the ways that people can love each other that isn't exclusively in a romantic sense, sometimes you really really love someone as a person or as a really good friend without really thinking about or wanting to be in a relationship where you're together! i can honestly understand sousuke's whole shtick about how he views different types of relationships between other people, and seeing how other characters have responded to that (i.e. mitsumi and mukai) just. made me feel a lot of positive things. arrhghghfhghghgh. once i get my shrines page set up i will definitely have something dedicated to this manga, plus i'm curious about how the anime adaptation looks too. i'm really looking forward to what comes next thign is i just suck with keeping up with ongoing things o(-(

as for atarashii gakko i'm finally starting to listen to more of their stuff and lord. i love these girls so much there's something about their energy that's put into their performances that is just so charming to me. otonablue has grown on me, not that i didn't like it before i started out as a casual listener of that song but now . now whenever i see it pop up in my feed i just HAVE to listen to it again. other new favorites are pineapple krpytonite and seishun wo kirisaku hado, oh my god im looking at their youtube page again and they have a new release so i'll listen to that too. last night before going to bed i was watching videos of them together offstage, namely their 50 questions and even KANON's blogging channel. seeing them goof off and have fun was a huge serotonin boost, i couldn't recommend them enough.

ah my stomach's starting to hurt. i'm gonna see if i can find anything for early breakfast.

08.14.2023 - 12:17 PM

i was giong to write last night before i went to sleep but i was fighting for my life to open my laptop.... some family were over for dinner when i got home from work and i might have eeaten a bit too much @_@ or it may have been this drink i got at jewel osco. or the gummy worms that me and cousin decided to buy. nonetheless i drank it pretty late and when i went to bed tummy started hurting a little too much (see: my imood). thankfully when i woke up it doesn't hurt as bad but my stomach still feels a little bloated. either way, last night was ok. the dynamic between my cousin and my little brother will never get old to me i think they're so funny - the latter is so easy to tease and the former knows that well so ofc i got caught up between their shenanigans.

sudden topic change but i . fucking forgot i scheduled a welcome appointment for today. for 10 am. i even woke up before then but decided to go back to sleep FFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK AUGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this whole thing is actually becoming so embarrassing i don't think it would've happened if i hadn't confused the dates the first time i scheduled it TT on the 7th of this month... i was at work at the time and saw the reminder email and panicked because i thought it was supposed to happen during my shift so i hastily canceled it, profusely apologizing to whoever was supposed to talk to me and promising to reschedule - except i didnt need to DO THAT BECAUSE IT WAS ON THE DAY BEFORE GODDFUCKFINGFG DAMMITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT . THINGS KEEP HAPPENING IMGOIGN TO CRY THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I HAVE TO RESCHEDULE I HATE APPOINTMENTS SO MUCH i even reminded myself about this yesterday to make sure i wouldnt forget rhhhhrhrhghgghghg h i just hope on the 16th i can finally get around to doing that. i stilldont get how things like this can slip my mind but u_u it is what it is.

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[ 12:30 PM ] - ok yea update i think it's the drink's fault aga.uoughug,,f g.

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[ 11:42 PM ] - i'm back again, i did not get as much done in responsibilities as much as i would have liked.... but i was productive in other ways earlier today. i tried to take a walk around early afternoon just for the sake of going outside, mainly because i was feeling pretty mmmehhh and ate a bunch of junk last night and felt like going outside would help me feel better. unfortunately it was raining the whole day - i don't mind rain, hell i put on a raincoat and rain boots before i went out. but by the time i had reached the middle school that's a little down across the street from where i live the light drizzle transformed to a near downpour in literally the span of a couple minutes o(-(. my coat got soooo wet i felt it starting to leak into my shirt so i just turned around and went back home immediately LOL. even tho it was really short lived i think that really tiny walk still managed to do wonders though, cuz the moment i came back i felt all energized again and was determined to get some stuff done (focusing on college shit first). speaking of college shit, i finally got to buy my school recommended laptop ahahaaaa... kind of relieved tho cuz now that that's one less thing to worry about. i was also able to get new earphones since i lost the one for my right ear a month ago (it fell onto the train tracks after my case fell).

oh my god wait highlights of my day: MY NEW BACKPACK ARRIVED!!!!!!!!!!! ARUHUAGDFHOSAIDJFNAOSKCMAOMDKCOPMASDCKMASDCALD;ALKM!!!!!!!! i don't really vibe with the backpacks i have right now and wanted a much cuter one that i could easily customize with pins and keychains so i ordered one off of etsy and have been anticipating it ever since, so you can imagine my excitement when my mom told me that a package for me was delivered today. i immediately ran to unwrap it and found the seller even packed a small little packet of like three pins and a bear keychain.... AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT SOSOSOSO HAPPYYYY of course i put all that shit on it plus all the other shit i bought from animidwest earlier in the year... im not finished cuz i have so many keychains man (skull emoji) but still... im really really excited to start using it (THERES SO MANY POCKETS BRO HOLYHSIT I WAS OVER THE MOON)

i also started reading skip and loafer on mangadex and aouohghuhguhg god. god. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ITS SO FUCKING CUTE I UNDERSTAND THE HYPE AROUND IT MYEOWWWWWWWEWGFG mitsumi and sousuke are soooooo oguug,f.,,...fs,.afdgdf. ohmyogd my son my daughter im so in love with all of these characters actually. such a charming cast with so many silly scrumptious dynamics aughhghhhh i fucking love feel good stories so much ..... GIRPS THE FUCKING FLOOR. ive still got loooong ways to go in terms of progressing with the story (only on chapter 13) but im already enjoying it a LOT so far

08.13.2023 - 12:16 AM

today was my first day back at work for the whole work week... i was very tired -_-;; and i have to work from 11:30 to 8 tomorrow too aauughhhghhh i'm going to be so pooped

i'm gonna be honest i think i'm starting to get more and more irritated with my job. it's not necessarily hellish or insufferable, plenty of my coworkers are nice to work with but i think it's mainly the whole management of that place really getting to my nerves now. it's so badly run with how they just suddenly change times on a whim and suddenly call employees to fill in shifts literally the day that they need them. i've always had an issue with that but it really pissed me off when they extended my shift that was supposed to end by 4 to 8 last week when i had already made plans to go to a friend's birthday outing at 5 (mind you without telling me) - i only found out by checking the timesheet binder because i didn't trust that my shift times were same from last i had checked them (which i think says a lot on its own). also they don't know how to distribute hours man what the hell why are you still giving your newer hires only 4 hours per week. according to some of my coworkers who have been working with them for years this has been an ongoing problem too which yikes... there's other things too but that's the main thing. a lot of the coworkers around my age who are starting to leave because of school aren't planning to come back either because of those issues too - hell, for one of them today was his last day. two of them are already gone. i get it but i was a little sad.... they're really chill and fun to be around i'd be lying if i said i wouldn't miss them.

i had to write a note to my managers what my last day will be. i want my last available day to be the 18th. and i don't think i'll be coming back either. originally i had planned to still come back at least during the weekends since i'm not moving too far away, i'm just going to be located downtown. but thinking about it more i don't want to stress over maintaining this job while also being a student... especially if i can't trust them at all with my work schedule. my mom also brought up a good point in the car that i'll pretty much be fucked if i need to work on potential projects over the weekend as well. it's so hard to plan shit with these people so i think it's just better to resign altogether leave it as a summer job. i plan to apply to student jobs offered by my university anyways, and i think i'll have a much more pleasant experience with those.

ON a more pleasant note i'm making some progress with my art deadlines ^_^ i'm starting to draw out my kagepro piece, i don't think it will take very long to complete. hopefullyyyy i can start working on zine stuff and friend internship comm soon and get good progress with those too since those deadlines actually matter a lot more.

08.11.2023 - 11:32 PM

woke up terrified because i thought i missed a meeting oh lord that would have been so embarrassing. i remembered i wanted to wake up a little earlier than noon cuz i had to talk with these people that my friend works with as part of her internship at around 2. she works for the starbucks workers united organization and they wanted to commission someone to help design some sort of template to be put on campus billboards/bus stop signs as part of their campaign. my friend had reached out to me some time ago about it actually so this wasn't much of a surprise but her team wanted to talk to me to see if i could give them what they're looking for, and oouoaoughhghghg fortunately i managed to land the job i am so relieved . i was nervous as hell though since my friend joined later and it was just me talking and trying to look presentable in front of these two grown ass adults but i think i managed to pull it off...? or at least seem collected enough im just super glad it didn't go to shit. my friend congratulated me in not fucking up + told me she felt like my agent the whole time and i found that funny OIJDFOIJSDFSIFJNSDF

once i managed to get that out of the way i hoped to actually work on some art shit ive been . procrastinating on.... especially since i have three things that im enforcing deadlines on (i have not enforced a deadline to my art in so long aside from birthdays. and to be fair i am also slacking on gift art >_>;;). but of course my motivation loves to hit me at the dead of night so it was beginning to get dark when i was thinking abt sitting down and getting on that grind until my mom told me that we're going out to eat so. sits down. food was yummy at least.

not too long ago (probably an hour at least) youtube recommended me a video about donald crowhurst's story. the thumbnail drew me in so i decided to watch and listen to it and hoooooly shit man. genuinely feel so bad for this man, i think the thing that really got to me was the fact that there were so many instances in which this tragedy could have been prevented and that this man could still have his life spared but. then again there are other factors to consider and as a whole it does read like a situation in which he was doomed from the very start. teared up and got chills at a couple points of the video, especially nearing the end when hearing about what he wrote in his logbook during his final moments. in general stories about voyages gone wrong have always been so haunting to me considering i'm a little scared of the ocean, or at least the idea of being stuck in the middle of a huge expanse of deep water. i ended up subscribing to the channel who made the video, especially after scrolling through his page. it seems this guy likes to talk about whatever, and i love listening to people talk about whatever! they're not whole essays, but so many of his titles are really, really niche or specific that i'm a little curious... i might binge this dude later on at some point.

08.10.2023 - 10:48 PM

holy fucking shit i actually managed to finish this section of my website HTANK FUCKING GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD i was beginning to think that having an internet diary would be so much more beneficial for me considering i rarely talk about myself/my life on social even on discord if at all. idk i guess it just feels a lot nicer to be able to word vomit whatever and whenever you'd like to in your little corner of the web... like it makes so much more sense and feels much nicer knowing that anyone can read this if they would like to by consciously going to this page rather than worrying about talking over someone or ruining other people's timelines. or whatever. yknow BOTTOM LINE I FINALLY HAVE A PLACE TO TALK ABOUT WHATEVER (RAHHHHHHHHHH)

whew that being said. this entry will probably get suuuuuperr super long cuz great timing: the past couple of days have actually been pretty eventful! so i have a LOT of things i want to talk about :3 kind of why i have been reaaalllyyy motivated to get this section done (i have been slacking on this site for some time anyways.... this was a good way to get back into the flow of things)

so main thing! my dad and i both went over to chicago for an event that my university was hosting - just to gather admitted freshmen altogether and have them interact and do fun activities so that they can develop any potential connections with each other before the school year actually starts. we decided to leave a day early (august 9th) cuz my dad also wanted to treat me out to dinner at a steakhouse that my family ate at before (i wasn't there last time because of work), plus we figured it would be much easier for us to stay within the city rather than having to do a full 45 min-hour drive in the morning the day of (especially since traffic here is so . bad). there's a condo that my dad had bought downtown anyways so we managed to have a place to stay fortunately.

funnily enough, on the way there, my dad told me that my middle school sent me a letter, which made me really curious cuz like . it's been several years by now like why would they send me something? so we called my mom to ask her to open it - turns out it was actually me who wrote it! i completely forgot that in eighth grade my Engilsh teacher made us write letters for our "future selves" after we graduate high school. little old me probably couldn't believe that it was anything important happening but shit i forgot about it so it was still surprising damn! ofc she sent screenshots to me (without reading it thankfully) and wow. i was kinda really dramatic with the way i wrote LOLGFDJSIFNJASDFASDFK there was a bunch of questions that i asked such as if i managed to fix my procrastination problem (absolutely not), if junior/senior year was much easier than whatever the hell was going on back then(yes socially but still absolute no), how my family was doing etc. the letter reminded me of a lot of things that i forgot during that time, how that was back when my parents still really wanted me to be a dermatologist and i was beginning to express reservations about pursuing that career path + before we got our two cats and other dog. but i think it did get a bit sad when eighth grade me asked me about my online friends and my original characters, since i think back then those were the two things i heavily clung to since i didn't have much people to talk to (aside from one other person). she asked me if i still talked to them, and if i still thought about my characters, and of course the answer was yes. but also at the same time, i feel like i had progressed into an entirely new era compared to how i was in eighth grade. i was really close to one particular online friend back in middle school, though during my time in high school we kind of. drifted apart? it's not too sad, we still interact with each other whenever i see them on my social medias, it's mostly a case of us becoming closer to different social circles and interests. which isn't a bad thing! there was a similar thing with my ocs, as the ones that eighth grade me was really attached to aren't even ones i think about anymore (aside for two of them). i've made so, so many more characters over the past four years, and have completely new favorites at this moment. i don't know, past rigel sounded very desperate KJSDFKSDFSDFLKM i really don't blame her tho, i still do get sad over the thought of slow change. but yknow, the good thing is that i still very much do keep up with what she did, it's just a very different climate now.

ANYWAYS moving on, the steakhouse my dad took me to was pretty good. their sliders and lamb chops are nice, and their pasta's very good too - thing is that it's SO FUCKING FILLING. OH MY FUCKING GO D. normally when i eat out im able to i think eat a decent amount of food but jesus fuckign christ i feel like i didn't even take ten bites before feeling like ym stomach shrunk. shriveled up liek a raisin. even today i ate it again after that college event and I STILL COULDNT FINISH IT .

speaking of the college event, i would say it's pretty fun! i did feel pretty nervous about it the moment i stepped into the building where it was held (and had to burn off some of those nerves via spamming friends on discord) + i won't lie there were plenty of. pretty awkward moments between me and the others that were there. but overall i had a pretty good experience! they served light breakfast and lunch, but the main thing we got to do was a scavenger hunt throughout the city. basically we were split up into six different teams and given a packet of paper containing images of rooms inside various different buildings + a hint at the top of the page - the students had to figure out where exactly these photos were taken (within the chicago loop are), go to those locations, and take a photo to submit for points. there was one guy in my group who actually lived pretty close by the area so um. he kind of carried our entire team OISDAFIJASDPOKAD he seemed pretty cool though! another thing that was nice was that i was also teammates with a girl from my high school - it didn't feel awkward since i knew she was really sweet even though we didn't really interact with each other back then... but she's easy to talk to! i also found out one of my other teammates is actually one of my potential classmates for my psychoanalysis class for the incoming semester... so at least i will know one (1) familiar face :3

ok yea damn this entry is getting a lot but one more thing i want to ramble about. today after the event i chilled and set to work on setting up this whole journal page, but i decided to take a break and take a walk around the city. the condo's nearby lake michigan, so i managed to take a stroll across the lakefront. of course whenever i walk, i like to listen to music, so i was just playing whatever song came in my head... at some point i put on abuseken's latest album KARKMA(a)DARMA and . i dont know something clicked in my brain and ive been going insane ever since. i must've entered a HUGE abuseken mood while walking along the shore because suddenly i started having thoughts of creating ocs based on his songs. it happened mostly when i listened to "christ" (one of my favorites despite it being .... really heavy in subject matter) and aooaugouhaugug i dunno i dunno. his music makes me feel so many emotions that i cannot describe i just HAD to i even started to queue "judas" and "flowers, mountains and funerals" in the same breath and hmmm. i need to chew on this thought. honestly i should just make ocs based on his snake and monkey songs too while im at it those are also boppers please listen to abuseken ple

sweats. well. that surely was a lot. but hey great to start off with a bang! im not entirely sure if my days moving forward will be this eventful but i might just treat this as an outlet where i can dump whatever thoughts ive been thinking throughout the day. i need to scream to the world!!!!!!!!!